I want to refuse

I want to refuse you. Your style, your thoughts, your miserable life as a whole. I want to refuse.

I want to, and yet i’m already poisoned. Attachment to your fluffy images and concepts runs through my veins and i tell myself there is nothing i can do about it. Lies, convenient lies.

Lies, just like you — the biggest lie this world has to experience.

***

Just between you and me — you, who will never read, and i, who will never say, — we already know how it will end. It will be not beautiful, yet right.

It is still far from the end. I still want to refuse you. And i still can’t.

***

You haunt me, you hunt me, you almost have me under your nail. And it really is not an exaggeration if i’m quoting you right in the midst of my refusal.

Sometimes i ask myself: why do i fight? Or: where is that red line?

It is not substantial.

I want to refuse you and i will. Even if it means ripping my soul out, vivisecting it and putting back. I don’t care anymore for i have seen something you haven’t — something you will never see even in your plain sight.

Thank you for the lesson and goodbye. Or so i want to say, but we’ll still be close enough for long enough time.

Sometime i will refuse your existence.

Until then,

we’ll

have

to

endure