Chapter Fifth

The leaves were falling from the lotus tree. The days were getting shorter. It was, without a doubt, autumn. A time when everything either dies or at least withers into obscurity, falls into abyss or flies off into the deep dark space.

I did neither. Ergo i didn’t exist.

***

My head hurt. Or was it really head? I couldn’t quite understand for everything was quite mixed up. The statue was no longer gazing at me, which in different circumstances would be a relief, but now i felt like it was the last real thing i could concentrate on and when it disappeared i only felt a cold void creeping into me.

Then i remembered that i should have still had a gun in my hand, but when i tried to feel my hand, it was nowhere to be found either. “Am i disappearing altogether?”, i thought briefly, but then something bright attracted my attention. I followed it instinctively, without giving myself any time to process what’s happening.

For a while i felt like i am floating in an abstract space, hopelessly trying to catch up with that faint pulsating light. Then suddenly the light stopped moving away and i fell straight into it and everything became blank white around me. I looked at my body and strangely enough i was now able to see it, or rather its vague undulating outlines. As i did, a stray thought occurred to me: “i shouldn’t be watching myself so intently, or i’m going to morph away”.

As i switched my gaze, i could see background going darker and rapidly losing dpi. For a moment i though i could see bare pixels, but then they stretched into black lines on yellow. Zooming away, i finally understood what that truly was: an endless chain of tractors harvesting the wheat crops.

“Alright, the wheat is covered, but what about the rice fields?” i thought, walking on the lonely road that stretched from one horizon to another.

“Nobody cares for rice in these chambers”, the voice came from nowhere, “for the winter comes too early and eats away everything.”

“Ah, is that so?”, i pronounced inside my head, feeling like i’ve come close to understanding something truly important. But then the road suddenly came to a crossing and i had to choose where to go and all other thoughts withered away.

I turned right for no apparent reason, except for a feeble gut feeling that told me there was cool water somewhere along those lines. And indeed there was: soon i walked into the bridge over a small river and, feeling like sun is going to burn me, stepped into the water and then into water pipe under the bridge.

It was a bit darker and a few kilometers longer than it appeared from the outside, but i marched on bravely. A few shadows passed me as i silently walked further. I felt thirsty, but couldn’t force myself to drink the dirty water i was walking through. When i looked into it, i saw my own reflected face; it looked thin and under-fed, but somehow its eyes shone with happiness.

I felt like something was off about that reflection and touched my face. The bandage was in place, its coarse fabric feeling reassuring against my palm. I looked again into the water and two laughing eyes looked back at me. Finally, the revelation stroke me: my mind has wandered off in a different realm and i should better return swiftly.

But even as i realized that, i still had no idea what exactly to do. I stood still for some time that i won’t even dare to approximate; then something bumped into my back. I ran forward, away from it, and soon found myself back in the fields. There were no tractors anymore, nor any crops, only tranquil green of raw grass, not limited by any artificial or natural boundaries.

“This can go on forever”, i thought and in attempt to get rid of the scenery closed my eye. The green disappeared, but the darkness didn’t come. My mind was now filled with blue, both the color and the mood.

***

“Go on, go on, go on”, somebody preached in the darkness. And then repeated those tiny useless words a half dozen times more. And then again, and again, and again. It no longer sounded like an urge to continue, but attained a certain beat to it that was pushing forward, until it succeeded to surface.

***

Then, i started to hear distant voices.

Then, i started to feel distant warmth.

And finally, the room with a small pulsating screen and a whole crowd of people came crashing into me like a spring thunder. I felt my hands stuck on a sweaty controller and my right index finger still clicking mindlessly, as if counting a fast tempo.

— Welcome back, — somebody whispered in my ear, — and congratulations.

The voice sounded familiar, but i was still processing the yellow and the green and the blue in my head to recognize it. I tried to concentrate on the screen and finally could make out blinking words written on it: “Play Again?”

I almost screamed “no” in response, but then it occurred to me that acting that way might be not appropriate to situation. I looked around and saw that not much changed in “the real world” since i entered this “fucking stuff”.

The only people who apparently noticed something was off about me were Sasha and Orpheus. The rest of the party crowd were still happily chatting like nothing happened. And then i thought that maybe nothing happened indeed: in the end, it was just my imagination going wild under the drugs and it was quite possible that i didn’t act especially alerting during the trip.

— Congrats, girls! You survived for a whooping twenty five minutes. And now, if i may.. — Orpheus made a gesture, requesting us to move away, — we have new contestants to attend S.T.U.F.F. concourse.

I reluctantly moved away, still trying to process what he was saying. Twenty five minutes?! How long of that did i spend sanely and how long was i wandering through the mazes of my mind?

— Not feeling good? — suddenly Sasha started whispering again, — Why don’t we go breath some fresh air.

Having said that she dragged me out of the room. Having no energy or reason to refuse, i followed.

***

Each of the four seasons has its own merit, or so the god said.

Let the spring show the creation, let the summer show the life, let the autumn show the bewilderment and let the winter show the wisdom.

“Bommm” — the bell ringed, filling the neighbourhood. But there was nobody to hear it and eventually the silence won.

***

In the dark cold atmosphere of the northern night i quickly came to senses.

— You did surprisingly well, — as if noticing that i’m finally ready to talk, Sasha said; there was a hint of reverie in her voice.

“What was it?!” — i wanted to say, for now i remembered that the joint and the game were both brought upon me by her.

— Did you expect any less of me? — i said instead, — That’s what i call lack of faith!

— Ha-ha, don’t be so offended! How was i supposed to know that you’re so good at fighting, games and… — she trailed off, as if provoking me to guess what was it that she left unspoken.

— Well, you shouldn’t have asked somebody to be your partner if you don’t believe in them, — i replied, trying to sound mildly offended.

— Even if you say so, i’m not as much interested in winning or the game itself as i’m interested in you, — her voice suddenly became sweet and suggesting at the end of the phrase.

— Is that so?.. — i continued the pretense, — There’s not much interesting about someone like me. I suppose you might consider me different for being foreigner, but as far as my experience go, people are not much different around the globe.

— I’m inclined to believe that, but i suppose you misunderstood me, — she said in a playful voice with a hint of resentment, — I’m not interested in you merely because you speak a different language. No, if i feel mystery in you, then you must be the most interesting person in the world, and.. — she trailed off again and i finally understood this could have gone too far.

***

“The moment you start talking is the moment you’re doomed to tell lies”, an abstract voice spoke in someone’s mind, “The moment you start writing”, it continued, “is not much different. The subtle difference lies, of course, in the amount of lies communicated”.